Read the following essay. Do you agree with Colbert's notion of marriage? Is it okay to settle? What do you think makes a good marriage?
A Marriage That's Good Enough
by Corinne Colbert
June 4, 2007
Newsletter writer Corinne Colbert lives with her family in Athens, Ohio. She is also president of her local parent-teacher association, through which she often talks with other mothers about their expectations of themselves and their marriages.
June 4, 2007
My husband is not my best friend. He doesn't complete me. In fact, he can be a self-absorbed jerk. We're nearly polar opposites: He's a lifetime member of the NRA who doesn't care for journalists, and I'm a lifelong liberal with a journalism degree. On the other hand, he doesn't beat or emotionally abuse me. He doesn't drink or chase other women. He's a good provider. So I'm sticking with him.
Some people would call that "settling," like it's a bad thing. But I believe in settling.
The Random House Unabridged Dictionary defines "to settle" as "to place in a desired state or order; to quiet, calm or bring to rest; to make stable." In short, it means that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Alas, too many of us buy into a different adage: that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. From movies to magazines to commercials, we're told we should demand more from lives that are, for many of us, pretty good. We're supposed to look better, eat better, find better jobs, be better lovers and parents and workers. A stable marriage isn't enough; it's supposed to be a fairy tale. Perfection is the goal.
But at what cost? Would I really be any happier if I took up yoga and ate more soy? If my spouse wasn't just my partner, but also was my soul mate? I doubt it.
Settling, in my sense, is about acceptance. I'm a pretty happy person, in large part because I'm honest with myself about what I have. My body isn't bikini-worthy, but it's healthy. I'll never write for Rolling Stone as I once dreamed, but I am making a living as a writer. I yell at my sons and let them play too much GameCube, but I'm still a good mom.
Of course, some situations are worth improving. If your weight jeopardizes your health, exercise and change your eating habits. If your job makes you truly miserable, find a new one. If your marriage is toxic, end it. Chances are, though, you probably have what you need: a roof over your head, food on the table, a job that pays the bills, and family and friends. If you're unhappy, ask yourself: Am I unhappy because I really don't have what I need, or because I just want more?
So, yes, I'm settling. Sure, I wish my husband would kiss me more often, tell me he loves me every day, and get as excited about my accomplishments as I do. Emptying the dishwasher without being asked and giving me unsolicited foot massages wouldn't hurt, either.
All that would be nice, but it's not necessary. I'm happy with my husband who, despite his flaws, is a caring father, capable of acts of stunning generosity and fiercely protective of his family. Thinking about him may not set me on fire as it used to, but after 17 years and two kids, our love is still warm. And I believe that's good enough.
Independently produced for All Things Considered by Jay Allison and Dan Gediman with Viki Merrick.
I totally disagree. Marriage is not just to settle with someone but being with someone because you love them. Food, roof, and happiness does come along with love. Sleeping in the same bed and not speaking nor touching each other is just ridiculous. The children do get influenced in what they see and may come out the same way. Marrying some one without love is just COLD, crucial to yourself and to the other person. The person you are going to marry has to be your other half, support you and give you comfort.
ReplyDeleteShe does admit her and her husband are opposites in the beginning, however, at the end she does say that their love for each other is still warm. In a sense she is right with her views on marriage. Her definition of settling isn't what one would think she's referring to. She feels after being married a certain amount of years, you don't feel that fire and lust as you used to and that's okay. She still however does love her husband. She is settling but not settling because she's been miserable and is going for the first person she sees and marries him. She is settling for not being told everyday that she's beautiful by her husband, and having him kiss her all the time, but having him provide for the family and be a provider for their family.
ReplyDeleteI think that was a very good essay. I agree 100%. I feel if your happy in your marriage despite the little things thats all that matters.
ReplyDelete"If you're unhappy, ask yourself: Am I unhappy because I really don't have what I need, or because I just want more?"
ReplyDeleteI feel that the media/TV/past relationships,etc are few of many reasons why people expect more than what may be good enough. I think it is ultimately a question of our definition of love and our expectations...
The author was not settling for any random person. The author seemed to settle with reality and the fact that things won't be a fairytale forever. As long as the fundamental needs are being met... I don't see it as a negative way to live. Some people if not all people have learned through trial and error... that there is more to a relationship than shared qualities, ideals, etc, etc. Sometimes people tend to be in relationships they know are not healthy or get into relationships where the negative side of a lovers personality is what their settling with. This is the type of settling that I frown upon.
Settling for not living in a fairytale every single second of every single day.. is simply reality.. and it is life. I think it will be a lesson learned for those who think otherwise.